The Miscommunication Files (Condensed)

THE ORIGINAL:
Me: The refugees are still in Ramadan, aren't they?
Stephen: The refugees are stealing our mutton?!

Me: I will drink this milk before it goes bad, so help me!
Stephen (singing Monsters Inc): So help me, so help me!
Me: No.... So HELP me! Help me drink it!


After I get out of my shower, with my mascara and eyeliner all smudgy.
Stephen: "You look like one of those.... Oh, what's that animal? I think it's a rodent?"
Me: "Do you mean a panda?"
Stephen: "Yeah!"
Me: "Pandas aren't rodents! That's an insult to pandas everywhere!"
(I think he was thinking of raccoons.)


Stephen: "Raindrops on roses and warm purple kittens..."
Me: "...Warm purple kittens?!"
Stephen: "Who are you to judge my favorite things?!"

I have no words.


While we are playing Words With Friends.
Stephen: "Don't look! Don't look! You will tremble at my letters."

Stephanie: "Yay!  I don't have i's [eyes]!"

Stephen: "Too many vowels!"
Stepanie: "Too many consonants!"


Just before bedtime.
Me: I need motivational help to brush my teeth.
Stephen (looking at me very seriously): Do you want to lose your teeth?
Me: No.
Stephen: If you don't brush your teeth, they will fall out of your mouth. In a big bloody mess.
Me (grossed out): STEPHEN!  Ew!  All I needed was a hug!

Communication...fail.

Stephen sticking out his chest and marching broadly toward me.
Me: Aaaahhh!!  Stop acting like a giant!
Stephen (laughing at me): How do giants act, exactly?
Me: ...Tall.

(From my family of origin.)
(Upon my sister's use of "irritate water" instead of "agitate water.")
Aunt: "How do you 'irritate' water? By throwing insults at it?'
Mom: "You're the DUMBEST water I've ever seen!"


Stephen, singing: "My hair smells funny...Because I spend all my money...To make my hair smell funny...All day."


Stephen, trying to be serious, but butchering a children's book title in the process and cracking me up:
"Honey, if you give a cat a mouse, they'll want a cookie."

Stephen: I've already had, like, 3000 mg of vitamin C today.
Stephanie: How have you already had 3000 mg of vitamin C today??
Stephen: I ate a Spice Girl.
Stephanie: You WHAT?  A Spice Girl??
Stephen: Isn't that the name of one of the Spice Girls?

It turns out he was referring to the musical artist Vitamin C.

I never found out how he got 3000 mg of vitamin C today.

A message on my phone from my husband:

"Hi love, this is Stephen [last name] with Global Help Desk-- I'm sorry. This is Stephen [last name]. Oh, this is--you know who I am. Anyway..."

After dinner with Stephen, Stephen's dad and Stephen's brother, Jon, who is a natural clown:Jon: "Come on, brother, give me a hug! Show me some love! Take me into your bosom!"
Stephen: "Get your own bosom!"
Jon: "Well, now, I can't exactly hug Stephanie after that."
Me: "That's what I was thinking!!"
Jon: "We'll just go with a side hug."
Stephanie: "I wonder if the refugees are still in Ramadan?"
Stephen: "The refugees are stealing our mutton?!"

Stephen: "I'm beckoning you from the kitchen so you will stop eating the gingerbread muffins."
Stephanie: "Mm mmhmm mmmm mmm hmmm mmm!"
Stephen: "Okay, you can have one more."
Stephanie: "That's not what I said, actually. I said, 'I'm almost done with this one!' I'm impressed though--you were pretty close!"

Stephen: "Where do you want to eat tonight?"
Stephanie (sheepishly): "McDonald's. Or Wendy's. I want a hamburger."
Stephen: "We can do Wendy's; I'm up for Wendy's."
Stephanie (muttering): "Of course you're up for Wendy's; you're always up for Wendy's [over McDonald's]."
Stephen: "What's wrong with Wendy's?! Their hamburgers are better for us."
Stephanie (mimicking): "'Their hamburgers are better for us.' Health nut!"
Stephen: "They are!"
Stephanie: "Health nut!"
Stephen (staring at me): "You're right. I'm a health nut for eating at Wendy's."
Stephanie (dies laughing).

Stephen (in the shower): "Baaaa.... Baaaa..... Baaaa...."
Stephanie: "Is there a reason you're bleating in the shower?"
Stephen (no answer, just laughter)



 Before we found out Stephen was going deaf...
Stephanie: "We should make up our own language."
Stephen: "We should make a brown fish-man?!"

Stephanie: "I'm hungry."
Stephen: "I love you too."


Due to dyslexia, Stephen has trouble with the word "album." I've tried to change this many times. Today I thought I would give him a creative way to remember the pronunciation.
Stephen: "Which ablum are you looking at?"
Stephanie: "Well, it's the Walk in the Woods aaaallll-bum. Like Al's bum.
Stephen: "Well, you can post your pictures to Al's bum all you want, but I'm going to post mine to an ablum."